18 Red Flags In The Men I’ve Dated.

11 min readNov 24, 2019

I hate to admit it, but I felt like Taylor Swift the entire time writing this post (and it was kinda fun). I used to wear rose colored glasses and ignore each and every red flag. What’s ironic is that those relationships always ended (days, weeks, months, or years later) BECAUSE of the red flags I chose to ignore .

I can finally say that I’ve taken off those rose colored glasses and can see the red flags for what they truly are…

A warning or indicator suggesting that there is a potential problem, or threat that needs to be questioned or otherwise validated. Can also be clues that something may be trouble in the future (thanks, Psychology Today).

I’ve been thinking about this post for a couple of weeks now, and I tried really hard to write a specific list that was more than your basic google search. To be honest, I probably could have written about 562,876,978 red flags, but I figured eighteen was a painless cut off (I hope you can sense my sarcasm here…I don’t have THAT bad of a dating record).

But first, I want to make three things clear…

These were taken from a mixture of men I’ve dated in the last five-ish (probably more) years. I’m not just specifically calling out one person
I am not or no way near perfect. I definitely carry my own set of red flags, but I am aware of them and I’m actively working on my shit in therapy (give me some credit here, inner work is really fucking hard).
Red flags do not discriminate. They apply to any gender and/or sexual orientation. Since I identify as a straight woman, I can only write about the red flags I’ve experienced with straight men. If you are not dating a straight man, but notice these red flags in the person you are dating…take note of that shit and run for the hills (seriously, you’ll thank me later).

1. “I’M A GOOD PERSON”

If they say it once or twice a year, fine. No harm done. But if they’re saying it multiple times a week, or as a response to you calling them out on their shady behavior? Red. Fucking. Flag. A good person doesn’t feel a need to say they’re a good person. Why? Because they show you they’re a good person with their actions (I go into detail about this in a previous post).

Someone who has to consistently say they’re a good person is 9 times out of 10 not a good person. They’re either trying to convince you enough to stop questioning their shadiness, OR they’re trying to convince THEMSELVES enough to not feel guilty about the shady shit they’re doing behind your back.

2. HAS A JEKYLL & HYDE PERSONALITY.

In 1866, Scottish novelist Robert Louis Stevenson wrote a psychological thriller called, “The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”. It’s about an English doctor, Henry Jekyll, who struggles to hide and control his inner demon, Edward Hyde (yes, his inner demon had it’s own name). Throughout the book, you read about all these bizarre occurrences that happens to Dr. Jekyll. One minute, he’s a trustworthy doctor everyone loves and respects, the next he’s an extremely cruel, mysterious psychopath that does unimaginable things to others.

Fun Fact: This was one of the first books that explored multi-personality disorder.

The best way to describe this behavior is it’s very hot and cold. One minute, they absolutely adore you and shower you with love, affection, and compliments . The next, they’re repulsed by you and make snide remarks about your character making you feel awful about yourself . But then something switches, and they go back to adoring or loving you and the cycle repeats itself over & over again…it’s a total mind fuck and not worth making excuses for (I know from experience).

Another Fun Fact: The Jekyll and Hyde behavior is also a sign and symptom of the Cluster B Personality Disorder (Narcissistic, Anti-social [sociopaths & psychopaths], Borderline, and Histrionic).

3. “I HATE DRAMA”

This is code for, “I live and breathe drama and a relationship with me will be NOTHING but drama”. Buckle up, this one is going to take your head and heart on a fucking ride you didn’t know was possible.

4. THEY CANNOT EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS.

I understand that society has made it difficult for men to fully express their feelings without being labeled as “weak”, but it’s almost 2020 and all thanks to Brené Brown (you’re welcome), vulnerability is now considered badass & fucking courageous.

There is nothing sexier than a person who can express their feelings and be vulnerable with you.

If you’re dating someone who refuses to express their feelings or be vulnerable with you, it’s a sign that they may be emotionally unavailable or they have an avoidant attachment style. These people either avoid commitment all together or jump ship the second they feel the relationship is getting “too serious”.

Not expressing your feelings can also be a sign that someone is not being fully honest with you about their intentions. It also prevents both of you from forming a healthy, intimate connection. Definitely not a quality I want in someone I’m trying to have a relationship with.

5. “I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT YOU”

This is code for, “I’m going to hurt you in ways you never thought a person could ever hurt someone else My goddess of a therapist explained this best, so I’m just going to quote her…

“No matter who you are with, they are going to hurt you. What matters most is who they are, the choices they make, and how they work things out with you AFTER they hurt you”.

I’m throwing in another incredible quote that helps proves my point…

“Truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just gotta find the ones worth suffering for”- Bob Marley.

For someone to say that they’re “never going to hurt you” is utter bullshit, ignorant, and a red flag.

6. MY CAT HATES YOU.

I have two cats, Fish & Chips. They’re brothers that I rescued two hours away from being euthanized and the absolute loves of my life.

Fish is pretty reserved and takes a lot of time warming up with strangers. It’s expected if he doesn’t like someone at first. Chips on the other hand has brain damage. He doesn’t mind whoever or whatever comes into the house.

If by the odd chance my brain damaged cat doesn’t like someone, it means there’s something “off” and I’m taking that as a red flag.

7. “EVERYONE IS OBSESSED WITH AND/OR IN LOVE WITH ME”

This just SCREAMS narcissism and it’s also extremely untrue. If you’re dating someone who thinks everyone and their mother is obsessed and/or “in love” with them, leave (and don’t bother arguing with them about it). Only self absorbed people feel a need to say this because they want YOU to believe that they’re in high demand.

This mindset can also be used as an emotionally abusive tactic during a conflict or a fight to make you insecure that they can or will leave you at any minute. Here’s a couple of examples:

“I can have whoever I want, but I’m with you”
“If you keep this up (aka call them out on their lies), I’ll easily leave you for someone else”
“You should be lucky that I chose you over everyone else that wants to be with me”

Yup, RED. FUCKING. FLAG. Don’t wait around to try and “prove” your worth to this type of person either. The results are not fun.

8. THEY’RE A FAKE FEMINIST.

I find myself coming across this way more than I’d like to. A feminist is defined as “a person who supports feminism”. Feminism is defined as “the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes” (thanks, Marriam-Webster). Nothing less and nothing more.

Side note: Yes, there are feminists that are very extreme, but a true feminist is not a ‘man-hater’. A true feminist believes men and women are both equally awesome.

I’m really loving that more people are becoming feminist. What I’m not loving are people who “identify” as a feminist, but continue to make sexist remarks or behaviors. Here are some examples I’ve encountered…

“I’m a feminist, but I don’t think any woman has what it takes to be president” (keyword is ANY, not the name of a specific woman).
“I’m a feminist, but men will always have more power than women and that’s just how it is” (ummm, Queen of England, anyone?).
“I’m a feminist, but the only reason you’ll ever have a screenwriting career is because you’re a woman. Not because you’re a good writer” (oof, this felt like such a punch in the face).

We’re all entitled to believe in and identify as whatever the fuck we want. If you don’t identify as a feminist, that’s fine. What’s not fine is when you identify as one, but then continue to say or do things that goes completely against the message of the movement.

That’s like saying you’re not racist, but you’re prejudice towards people who have darker skin. Both are a red fucking flags that I will not tolerate.

9. “MY EX IS CRAZY”

I understand that there are a good amount of unstable people out there, and I have compassion for someone who dated a really difficult person. But I will question someone who hates on their exes and insists that they’re “crazy”.

A person who has more than one “crazy ex” (and doesn’t own up to their own mistakes in the relationship) usually means that their behavior drove their ex to act “crazy” (but they won’t tell you that). It takes two to tango and someone doesn’t just magically become “crazy” in a relationship. Here are five shitty behaviors that will drive ANYONE “crazy”.

Abuse (emotional, physical, verbal, sexual, spiritual, intellectual, & financial).
Infidelity (emotionally & physically).
Gas-lighting.
Manipulation.
Lying.

Which brings me to my next red flag…

10. LIES WITHOUT REMORSE.

If they can look you dead in the eyes when they lie, then you’re dealing with a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath. If they can’t look you dead in the eyes when they lie, then you’re dealing with a coward. Either way, it means they don’t respect you enough to tell you the truth.

I read a post on Buzzfeed where men and women in their 50’s were asked to give advice to their younger selves. One piece of advice was “leave after the first lie”. It’s something to think about.

11. “YOU MADE ME…”

A whole lotta nope on this one. You cannot make ANYONE do ANYTHING. We are all in control of and responsible for our own actions, behaviors, and words. If someone decides to do something shitty to you then that’s on THEM and not on YOU.

And if they try to BLAME you for their shitty actions, behaviors, and/or words?! Drop this person and run for the fucking hills.

12. NEEDS CONSTANT ATTENTION FROM OR IGNORES YOU IN FRONT OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.

Another trait that SCREAMS narcissism. When someone needs constant attention from the other sex, all that says to me is they are riddled with insecurity and self-hatred. They are desperately seeking validation from others because they can’t find it in themselves (this shit is 100% true, look it up).

If they ignore you in front of the opposite sex? Extremely disrespectful and a major warning that they’re still exploring their options (even if you are in a committed relationship!).

Not only are both of these behaviors exhausting and embarrassing, but it’s setting you up for a relationship that will overwhelm you with jealousy, insecurity, and heartbreak.

13. THREATENS TO LEAVE WHENEVER THERE IS CONFLICT.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Fighting is expected and can be healthy (depending on the way you fight). What’s not healthy is when the person you’re dating threatens to leave whenever a problem arises (no matter how big or small).

Healthy couples come together and work through their issues and conflicts. Toxic people make it clear that any sort of conflict or problem you guys have will result in you losing them. Overtime, this really fucks with your self esteem and sense of safety in the relationship.

14. “I’M SORRY, BUT…” OR THEY CAN’T APOLOGIZE.

Any apology that has the word “but…” thrown in there is not a genuine apology. And if they can’t apologize? You’re dealing with an adult toddler. Next, please.

15. THEY DON’T RESPECT YOUR WANTS, NEEDS, DESIRES, VOICE, OR BOUNDARIES.

Seriously, fuck anyone who doesn’t respect your wants, needs, desires, voice, or boundaries. All that means is they don’t respect you and that’s enough reason not to invest any further into this person.

Goodbye and good riddance.

16. THEY GAS-LIGHT YOU.

Gas-lighting is “a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity” (thanks, Merriam-Webster).

In other words, this is when someone tries to make you feel crazy before or after you’ve caught them in a lie or doing something shady. Common phrases of gas-lighters are…

“That never happened”
“You’re always so sensitive”
“You’re remembering things wrong”
“It’s not what you think it is”
“It’s all in your head”
“You’re just paranoid”
“You make such a big deal out of nothing”
“You’re crazy if you think I would that do to you”

Gas-lighting is incredibly damaging to your emotional health and if you’re with this person long enough you will start to question your own sanity.

17. THEY BELITTLE YOU.

And they’ll cover it up as a “joke” (gas-lighting). I have a really dark, fucked up sense of humor and I joke about myself all the time, but there’s a huge difference between a joke and someone putting you down.

Sometimes, these people will have the guts to tell you it’s “their way” of “looking out for you” (this is also gas-lighting). Fuck that shit.You want to be with someone that embraces who you are and supports your growth . Not with someone who makes belittling remarks about your character, wants, needs, beliefs, desires, boundaries, etc.

18. YOUR INTUITION FEELS OFF.

There will be times when you’re dating someone and your intuition just feels “off”, but you’re not really sure why.

I recently went on a couple of dates with a guy who seemed really lovely, but my intuition was telling me something wasn’t right. I couldn’t figure out why because he was being nothing but a gentleman (at first). I thought I was just being extra paranoid because of my last relationship, so I ignored it.

This guy started showing some of the red flags I listed above, but he covered them up really well with his wit & charm. It wasn’t until he started lightly gas-lighting me everything just clicked. My intuition was spot on from the beginning. I made the decision to stop seeing him after that, but I still had my doubts.

I started to wonder maybe if it was “all in my head” or if I was too abrupt coming to this conclusion because he wasn’t a horrible, monster of a person. A month later, I heard through the grapevine that his “crazy ex” (another red flag) went through his phone and caught him texting multiple other women. All of my doubts flew out the window after hearing that.

When your intuition feels “off” or is trying to “warn you” about someone or something, LISTEN. It’s there for a reason and it doesn’t hurt to explore why.

Oh, shit…I guess that’s eighteen.

Well, there’s definitely a lot more red flags out there and I suggest you do some research if you’re interested (I once came across an article that listed about 200 red flags. No one is safe!!).

Not gonna lie, my brain is currently mush and I’m a little too drained to end this post with a clever remark, so I’m going to do something better and leave you with a screenshot from one of my favorite shows, Bojack Horseman (seriously, it’s incredible and has the most brilliant writing. Highly recommend you start watching ASAP).

And that could not be more true.

Meowmaste.

Originally published at https://meowmastehere.com on November 24, 2019.