A Letter From My 18 Year Old Self.

Senior year, one of the last assignments my English teacher assigned us was to write a letter to our future selves. We could go crazy and write whatever the fuck we wanted. She promised she wouldn’t read (but she probably did).

Some kids took it seriously (haha, me), others bullshitted it, and if I remember correctly, I’m pretty sure the dude sitting next to me drew a picture of a dick in our English teacher’s mouth…& it was pretty fucking good. I hope he decided to pursue a career in art.

After, we would put them in a stamped envelope, address it, and turn them in. She promised all of us that she would mail the letters to us five years from now.

I graduated high school in 2012 and received the letter in 2017. I didn’t think much of it when I got it. To be honest, I thought I threw it away. Fast forward to 2019, I’m cleaning out my file cabinet like the responsible adult I am (lol, hardly) when I came across the letter.

I opened it. Read it. Then I reread it. Read it a third time. And then I cried.

Reading it this time around had more of an impact on me than it did two years ago. Why? Well, because it forced me to reflect on my growth…and I’ve grown A FUCKING LOT in these last two years. I also believe it’s because I’m mature enough to actually READ it and reflect on how much I’ve grown since high school which is A FUCKING LOT, LOT (considering I was such a twat back then), and not just skim through it & toss it aside like trash.

But believe it or not, I was surprised with what my 18 year old self had to say to my 23 year old self…and I even learned a couple things (maybe I wasn’t as big of a twat as I thought I was).

So, here’s the letter.

Maybe you’ll learn or a thing or two, reflect back on your 18 year old self, or get a kick out of my poor writing skills…

Dear Self in 5 years,

Highschool years have been good and bad. The first 3 varied, but of course the year that is supposed to be the most important, fun year sucked (I had a bad falling out with my best friends right before senior year started). But now you should be way above everyone else, and starting your career. Whether you’re on your way to the FBI (HAHA! Can you believe I actually had a dream to become a FBI agent?!), or homicide detective (yea, I watched way too much Law & Order back then…), still in school, or decided to take a different path, it’s okay, because you’re still successful no matter what you do. As long as you are happy with yourself, what you do, and the people in your life is ALL that matters (wait, where did this wisdom come from??). All your life you have lied, been known as a liar, just to make yourself look better (this stemmed from A LOT of insecurities & hatred I had about myself back then. Also from a desperate need to fit in). But why? You have such a great life that many can/will envy just on that alone! Be happy and thankful for what you have. I hope by now you have STOPPED lying to yourself and others (Yup! Thankfully nipped that gross habit in the bud). Be thoughtful, caring, compassionate, honest, and respectful to others at all times. NEVER GIVE UP on what you want to do in your life. Accept people for who they are and their changes. As time flies, people (including you) change for either better or worse. Don’t let people in your life bring you down or make you feel lower than yourself. You are not!!! Get rid of the people who make you feel worse than you are (again, WHERE DID THIS FUCKING WISDOM COME FROM!?!). You are a beautiful, smart, happy, awesome person and always will be!!! Hopefully you have not let [insert boy who consistently broke my heart in high school’s name here] back in your life. Unless he has changed for you…(spoiler alert: he didn’t) and you have no idea what or where he is and how he’s doing (yup! Still have no fucking clue). Keep Sebastian though (I didn’t remove his name because he was the first boyfriend to treat me right and deserves credit for that. He sadly passed away in 2017). I wouldn’t be surprised if your still with him though. He’s a good guy…well right now. I hope you’re doing you and being an overall great person and learning for bad and good memories.

-Tess (age 18).

And here’s pictures of the ACTUAL letter…

Crazy how much time flies, right? Who would have known this letter would have made an emotional impact seven years later. Instead of throwing it away (like my 23 year old self wanted to do…tisk, tisk), I keep it in a safe place in my desk.

I find myself pulling it out whenever I feel like I need a pick me up…or whenever I need a reminder to be proud of myself & celebrate how much I’ve grown as a person since then.

It’s easy to forget about our growth. Even though we are always growing (including & especially when you feel stagnant). So think about it.

How much you’ve grown since high school?

College?

Last year?

Last month?

Last week?

And what does it look like for you? For me, it looks a little bit like this…

1. I have learned to practice self love & self care everyday.
2. I go to therapy once a week & stopped believing therapy is only for “crazy people”.
3. I feel all of my feelings & do not judge them.
4. I learn from my mistakes, own my shit, & apologize when necessary.
5. I live in the present instead of in the past or the future.
6. I drink at least eight glasses of water a day (or I try really, really hard to).
7. I found a workout routine & skincare regimen that works for me.
8. I set healthy boundaries for myself & I’m not afraid to say “NO”.
9. I have stopped lying.
10. I practice having a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset (Mindset by Carol Dweck is an incredible book about this).
11. I go to concerts, events, coffee shops, bars, dinner, movies, etc. by myself & I fucking talk to people.
12. I watch for & act on red flags instead of pretending they’re pink.
13. I have stopped chasing & begging emotionally unavailable men to love me.
14. I read & write everyday.
15. I have forgiven myself & other people who have hurt me.
16. I will not tolerate emotional abuse (or any type of abuse) from people like I used to (friends, family, romantic partners, etc.).
17. I’m not afraid to express my wants, needs, boundaries, or voice and I walk away when they are not respected.
18. I unfollow or delete people I don’t give a fuck about.
19. I don’t take anyone’s words or actions as personally as I used to.
20. I have stopped seeking external validation.
21. My social circle is smaller because I’ve rid the one-sided friendships out my life (& I am very, very happy because of it!).
22. I don’t involve myself in drama like I used to.
23. I have stopped caring so much about what other people think (but caring a little is normal).
24. I find my worth inside of myself instead of in other people.
25. I stopped listening to my inner critic, limited beliefs, & created this motherfucking blog!!

If your list doesn’t look like mine, that’s fine. Everyone’s growth looks different. But whatever your list is, just know that you should be so fucking proud of yourself.

Growth isn’t easy, so don’t forget to celebrate how far you have come.

Originally published at https://meowmastehere.com on November 5, 2019.