Why I Made the Decision to Not Become a Nurse.
I graduated nursing school in May 2018, but I made the decision not to pursue a career as a nurse. I didn’t even take the exam (NCLEX) to receive my official nursing license. When I finally got the courage to tell my family about this decision, I got questionable looks instead of encouragement and was told…
“You’re making one of the biggest mistakes of your life”.
Yes, it stung (a lot) because making that decision was already pretty scary for me. But not getting support back from the people you wanted it from? That was fucking terrifying.
At first, I believed their words, but quickly snapped myself out of it. I knew deep down that if I took the NCLEX exam and started working as nurse, I would not only be abandoning all of my dreams, goals, and passions… but I would be abandoning myself.
Fast forward one year later, not pursing a career in nursing was the best thing I have ever done. Here’s why.
A little background, I had no idea what the fuck I wanted to do with my life when I graduated high school. I have always had a passion for writing and knew I wanted to do something with it, but other people’s opinions got the best of me. I was told over and over again…
“Writing is a hobby, not a career.”
OR
“ Are you sure you’re talented enough? Most people that try to become screenwriters don’t succeed.”
And the insecure sixteen year old I was at the time listened (unfortunately). So, I got my EMT license when I was 19 (mainly because I could stomach lots & lots of blood without passing out) and worked for an ambulance company for a couple of months. It was a cool experience and I continued to write on my days off, but I still felt like something was missing. The few nurses I interacted with on the job were encouraging me to quit working as an EMT and go back to school for nursing. Their reasoning?
“We make so much money” (registered nurses in California make $70k to $115k a year).
Not because they were passionate about the job (I want to make that clear because I have a point to make). So, I did some research, loved everything I was finding about how much money I can make as a nurse, and enrolled in nursing school.
I’m a pretty good student and really enjoy learning, so the lectures weren’t too painful. What felt like a fucking brain aneurysm was the weekly twelve hour hospital shifts. Here’s what a typical shift looked like for me.
I wake up at 4:00 am and scroll through social media to see if there was any sort of natural disaster that would give me a good enough excuse NOT to go to my shift (there rarely was. Damn California & it’s perfect weather). I took a shower and sobbed into my pink exfoliating body sponge.
An actual reenactment of me in the shower before every hospital clinical.
After, I’d put on my scrubs that made me look more like a janitor than a nursing student, pour coffee into a cat mug, and start driving to whatever hospital I was assigned to that semester. The second I started my car, I’d start crying and wouldn’t stop until I pulled into the parking lot. Once parked, I’d freshen up with a little bit of make up so no one would dare say, “OMG! WHAT’S WRONG?! ARE YOU OKAY?!” (because I would just start fucking crying again) and enter the hospital.
I’d “listen” to the night nurse give me report on my patients (but I was actually counting down how many more hours, minutes, and seconds left until I could go home), and nod my head when she was done. The rest of my shift consisted of me avoiding my patients at all costs, having mental break downs in the bathroom or supply closet, and doing whatever I could to not draw any sort of attention towards me (I always called dibs on the most secluded computer in the darkest corner). And I would repeat this cycle every shift.
I’ve never felt more depressed in my entire life. I started to neglect the one thing that made me so happy, my writings. With all the hospital shifts and exams, I had no time to focus on them. Even on my Summer or Winter breaks I had no motivation to start a screenplay because I thought, “what’s the point? I’m just going to go back to school in ___ days” (and screenplays take a lot of energy & time to write).
I felt so lost, dark, and empty. I kept thinking, “is this really how I’m going to be for the rest of my life?” which made me lose hope on my dreams all together. It concerns me that none of my instructors noticed or even said anything considering I wore this misery on my face everyday for two years. But I somehow graduated and ended up with a nursing degree.
After graduating, I felt oddly relieved (for the first time in years) because I knew I had a choice.
- I could either listen to what everyone and their mother was telling me to do: “suck it up”, get a job as a nurse, and write on the side in hopes that it will take off, so I can finally pursue my dreams.
- OR I could listen to what my intuition was telling me: “abandon this career & degree all together”, and put all of my time & energy into something that brings me nothing but joy into my life (my writings & screenplays).
I thought about it and made a decision…
My decision: “FUCK WHAT EVERYONE ELSE SAYS OR THINKS. I’M GOING AFTER CHOICE #2 BECAUSE I’M SICK OF FEELING SO FUCKING UNHAPPY” (obviously or this blog wouldn’t exist).
Now, for those that are thinking, “Tess, why would you even become a nurse if you hated it so much?”. Simple.
Because I thought working a job just for the money would be enough. Not because I’m compassionate and care about people. Not because I want to leave a positive mark on a sick person’s life. Not because I want to fuck or marry a doctor that looks like he could star in Grey’s Anatomy. I only wanted the money…which makes me no better than the nurse’s who told me to pursue a career in nursing in the first place.
Looking back now, those nurses were terrible nurses (even though they were chill people and we got along well). They were so jaded, constantly complained, always in a bad mood, talked back to patients who were LITERALLY on their death beds, and provided the bare minimum care so they wouldn’t get fired. One of them even told me she regularly takes Ecstasy on her days off because it makes her feel less shitty about her life. They were sacrificing their mental health working a job for the wrong reasons (see, told you I had a point to make).
To go down a career path just for the money is the worst thing you can do. Yes, it’s great to feel like you’re financially stable, but how would your mental health feel? Probably really fucking shitty (like how mine felt).
If I ignored my intuition and chose choice #1, I would end up just like those nurses- angry, clinically depressed, and doing Ecstasy with my cats every night I didn’t have to work.
No thanks.
In 2016, The Guardian did a study where a journalist asked people on their death beds what their biggest regret was. Want to know the FIRST and most common answer that popped out of everyone’s mouth?
“I regret not having the courage to pursue my dreams.”
Now, nursing is a very lovely career and I commend every person working in that field right now, but it wasn’t my dream and it never has been. To me, a person becoming a nurse for the wrong reasons is not only not fair to the people who are nurses for the right reasons, but it’s not fair to the sick patients that deserve compassion and the best type of care from the right people (people who dream about becoming nurses).
I still get people telling me I’m “making a huge mistake” or I’m “going to regret this”, but I don’t care. I have an awesome job working for a published author that leaves me with enough time & energy to work on my own writings & screenplays. Yes, I’m not getting a MASSIVE paycheck (…yet wink, wink) but I am getting paid to do something that I love everyday and is pushing me one step closer towards my dream…and that’s all that matters.
I would rather be a happy, starving artist writing every second of every day than an angry woman, working a job with a nice paycheck that will send me to my death bed telling a random journalist, “I regret not having the courage to pursue my dreams”.
If you’re not living a life where you are actively pursing your goals, dreams, or ambitions, then what’s the fucking point?
Meowmaste.
Originally published at https://meowmastehere.com on November 18, 2019.